Understanding Tennessee Child Custody Laws
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When a couple with children decides to divorce, one of the greatest decisions to be made will center around child custody.
In Tennessee, the first thing one has to remember is the laws are designed to determine custody based on "the best interest of the child." This is a phrase that is used repeatedly in cases involving disputes over child custody.
It is preferred by the Court that parents reach an agreement in regards to child custody. At the time of filing for divorce, each parent is required to submit a proposed (or Temporary) parenting plan; which works as a first step in allowing for a amicable solution.
However, if the parents are unable to reach an agreement through this method, they next are required to attend mediation. In some cases, this will involved each parent, along with their attorneys, and a mediator to sit down and talk out the child custody issue; in others, it may be only the parents and a mediator (in these cases, the attorneys are usually available via telephone for any questions or concerns that may arise).
Trying to resolve the issue personally is the better option as mediators charge from $50 an hour to a flat fee of $400 which, unless otherwise ordered by the Court, is divided equally between the parties.
After the submission of parenting plans and mediation the couple is still unable to reach custody agreement, then the issue is taken before the Court. In Tennessee, there is an automatic presumption of joint custody with a Court, upon no agreement being reached, determining the Primary Residential Parent.
Sole custody, in Tennessee, is currently reserved only for extreme cases wherein it has been determined that one parent is unable to effectively co-parent with another, thus presenting a situation where one parent should be responsible for decisions as relates to the child.
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Once a hearing date is set to determine custody, the Court will use the following factors to make a decision that fits "the best interests of the child":
- Love, affection and emotional ties existing between the parents and child:This factor alone is usually credited to both parents. Exceptions may include where one parent has been absent (voluntarily) for months or years.
- Disposition of the parents to provide the child with food, clothing, medical care, education and other necessary care and the degree to which a parent has been the primary caregiver:Many believe that this factor implies that the parent who makes more money will automatically be granted custody; this is wrong. As long as a parent has the ability to meet the child needs, they will be credited with qualifying for this factor.
In addition, there is a presumption that a stay-at-home-parent, with this factor, is automatically awarded custody. Again, this is in correct. While this factor allows for weight to be given to this fact, the other factors must also be used to determine if that particular parent would best serve "the best interest of the child."
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Importance of continuity in the child's life and the length of time the child has lived in a stable, satisfactory environment:Courts love status quo, which is a Latin word meaning the state of things at present. This follows the philosophy of "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."
- Stability of the family unit of the parents:This factor is taking into consideration each home and the family within. In cases of post-divorce modifications, this factor will consider stepparents, step-siblings, etc. Multiple divorces or separations for a parent can be considered negatively where this factor is concerned.
- Mental and physical health of the parents: Alcoholism, drug abuse, an untreated history of depression, and other similar ailments can be detrimental to one being awarded custody. However, being physically disabled, unless severe to the point of the parent needing their own caretaker, will not likely be viewed negatively.
- Home, school, and community record of the child: Is the child doing well in school? If not, which parent has done what to improve the child's education? Is the child frequently in trouble with school officials or law enforcement? Does the child not function well with a new stepparent or step-siblings?
These are all contributors to this factor and are taken into consideration to determine custody.
- The reasonable preference of the child if 12 years of age or older:This is a factor that is only taken into consideration, not an actual determinant. A child is allowed to express their preference, but that does not mean it will be granted.
For post-divorce modifications, the child's preference is not considered a change of circumstances to allow for modification of custodial arrangements.
- Physical or emotional abuse to the child, to the other parent or to any other person: Proven abuse (emotional, mental, physical) by a custodial parent to the child or others in the home can be grounds for not granting custody to the abusive parent.
- Character and behavior of any other person who resides in or frequents the home of a parent: Basically, if you are allowing a person (or people) of low character to live in or frequently visit your home, "the best interest of the child" is to not be subject to this individual(s) and can result in custody not being awarded to the one hanging out with such a loser.
- Each parent's past and potential for future performance of parenting responsibilities: This one is pretty simple....if you haven't visited, or at least tried to, the children during the separation or following the divorce, you've not shown a potential to parent in the future. If suddenly you've got a new girlfriend who wants to play house with your kids but you haven't seen them in several years, don't even waste your money filing for custody (this is all too often a common occurence) because, well, your history says that, once the girlfriend's gone, so will you be.
Tennessee Court of Appeals Cases Regarding Child Custody
As I stated before, Tennessee has an automatic presumption of joint legal custody; meaning, specifically, that both parents share in major decisions as relates to the child.
Most often, Joint Legal Custody is awarded and the above factors are used to determine the Primary Residential Parent (formerly known as Custodial Parent). This is the parent the child will live with a majority of the time and, in most cases, the one who will receive child support from the Alternative Residential Parent (formerly known as Noncustodial parent).
To date, there is no presumption of the ever increasing division referred to as 50/50 or Split Parenting, where a child resides each parent, on a determined schedule, for half of the time. Both parents must agree to this and meet the judge's approval before such a division can be made part of an Order.
Once the Primary Residential Parent (PRP) is determined, unless the parents are agreement as to a visitation schedule for the Alternative Residential Parent (ARP), then standard visitation, as a general rule, is awarded. Standard visitation consist of every other weekend, half of all holidays, and extended summer visitation (generally 2 to 3 weeks).
In the event that distance between the parents prevents standard visitation, the Court will usually enter a long distance parenting plan that eliminates every other weekend, yet offers longer parenting times during extended school breaks.
If evidence shows that there is unwillingness on one parent's part to co-parent with another, then Sole Legal Custody may be awarded to the other parent, which gives them the right to exclusively make decisions as relates to the child. Usually, however, standard visitation or a long distance plan is still awarded provided that there are no extreme circumstances that would prevent it from being otherwise.
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Child custody is one of the toughest things about divorce; whether the decisions are being made during the divorce or issues arise post-divorce. Each parent must be willing and able to put aside their own personal feelings and decide, just as the Court would, what is in "the best interest of the child."
Not only does reaching an agreement make custody and visitiation more successful and create an overall better relationship between both parents and the child, but it can also be less costly. Custody battles can easily cost $25,000 or more. So, for your child and your financial peace, take the time to talk with your ex and try to work it out. Just remember, at one time you loved them enough to bring a child into the world with them. | Amazon Price: $14.29 List Price: $16.95 |
The foregoing is intended to be used as a resource and not a substitution for legal counsel. If you are involved in a matter of child custody, you should seek the services of a qualified professional. Visit the Tennessee Bar Association website to find a competent attorney in your area.
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My husband has a child and he does pay child support, but the mother decides when he can and cannot see his son even though there is a set schedule in visitation papers. She even has the child on medications against his wishes. She drives by our house and makes abundant difference in care between her new son by a new marriage. She seems to use the child as tool of spite instead of how I or anyone else treats their child. I'm deeply concerned for my stepson's emotional well-being. Fathers who really care should have rights just as much as the mothers. When it is your child there is a right to fight for your child's well being no matter what.
Elisha, I think many of us can sympathize with the issue of exes (men and women) who use the child(ren) as a tool to her the other parent.
But- one parent CANNOT control the others Court ordered time. It may take a few times of dragging them into Court to make the point clear, but it can be done. There are numerous success stories out there.
AS for the medications issue - that all depends on how the Court order is written. She may be within her rights to do it against Dad's wishes, or she may be contempt.
Fathers do have as many rights these days. They just have to be willing to stand up for them.
Hi Kim, I often must look at things from every perspective and I must say you wrote a detailed, informitive and sure to be helpful to many in need, outstanding hub.
My sister just got divorced and it must be tough on the children. I'll definitely recommend this site to her. Thanks very much!
I live in Indiana about two years ago my girlfriend moved my son back to Tn. There are no orders of support or visitation... I pay 112 a week plus 60 a month for daycare. I have only been allowed to see my son when she sees fit.. I have filed for visitation which is controled by TN law. She has filed for child support which is ruled by Indiana law... I want to have overnight extended visits with my son she says that TN laws says I can't have that until he is six years old . Does anyone here no of where I can find this law ....
I believe that the law needs to be more adaptable in terms of monetary support. I have witnessed dozens of people struggling with the financial disaster and they simply can't give what they used to provide their children. As long as you can rationalize in court that you are attempting to provide as much as you can for your children then that should be adequate.
Hi, I am the Mother of the Son in Elisha Middlebrooks post. I would like to set the record straight. I apoligize ahead of time for the lengthiness.
My son is 10 years old. His Father and I divorced when he was a baby. Elisha says Father really cares and does pay C.S.
My son was born early and has struggled with health and emotional problems since. He is currently taking medications which were prescribed by board certified pediatric Drs. He has 4 Drs and has had 2nd opinions by Vanderbilt Hospital in Nashville, TN. He also has an IEP at his school and attends a school for the disabled. His Father has also been court ordered to give meds. to our son. The court order gives Father visitation of aprox.130 days per year. I think that's more than generous. The one time out of 9 years of visits was refused (per Drs advice) was during a diificult med. change. Father called police and had them look my son over for signs of abuse. While he was sick. Father has accused abuse on 4 occasions, 1 following Sons hospital visit for treatment, and 2 others following court request to pay C.S. arrears. All of these were ruled unfounded and false. I have driven by Fathers house, located on a city street, 2 times in the past several years. Both times at the request of the C.S. office to confirm tag #s. Which brings me to Stepmoms statement that Father pays C.S. Court records show Father has payed 2 C.S. payments since June 2008 1 in Oct. 2009 and 1 in June 2010 the state also intercepted Fathers 2009 tax return. The order also states Father must pay ins. And 1/2 of medical expences. We are currently about to go to court concerning Fathers arrears and contempt for not paying medical. My husband, and father of the other son mentioned, has willingly paid all other care and medical expences for Son.
I do not feel I have to defend myself against the remarks concerning my care of my children. However it is a matter of integrity and I didn't want to be misrepresented on this forum. I love both of my children equally, as any decent Mother knows it would be impossible not to.
So that's the facts concerning Elisha's post.
There's lots more to say about the care my son receives while at this womans home, but that's what mediation and court was made for...
I will always fight for my childs wellbeing.
It is my right... looks like stepmom and I can agree on something after all.
Melinda I feel for you! I am sorry to hear about your sons medical issues, but am very proud to hear the love for your children in your message. I am in a similar situation with my son. He was sexually abused almost four years ago from his fathers new step son. The past four years have been hell fighting in and out of court to save and protect my son. I will never give up or stop fighting to help my son. Thank you for your post, it touched my heart to see another mom doing whatever it takes to help her child!
Joni,
Thank you.
Child custody is a very delicate matter, what would be your advice on the first steps to help the transistion of divorce and children.
How old are children before they can decide they want to live with who ever?
What if the father has custody that we agreed he would have primary until I could relocate for job and grow established and if that has happened, he does not want to allow me primary care. Would he have solid grounds to keep the children even if i have partially paid support? Would the courts allow him to do so on the basis that they have grown accustomed to the home they have been in. What if I keep them every weekend , but he keeps them all weekly through holidays? Is there a way without court involvement to work this through with professional advice other than lawyers. I would want to keep things as positive and emotionally healthy for the children. Is ther counselling dealing specifically with the transitioning process ? What is the best way to communicate when hurt feelings are involved?
What happens when two parents cannot get along and everything is tense and more so for the kids involved with custody matter?
I have primary custody of my 12 year old daughter for the past five years. Actually, seven. It took two years for the divorce to go through. So, my daughter was five at the time of the divorce. My ex was already dating, his current girlfriend when the divorce was final. My daughter liked her at first, but, never 100%. Her visits with her father mean I'm getting phone calls where I have to calm her down. They got even worse once he moved her in with him three years ago. On September 1, 2010; my daughter told her father she was never going to spend the night with him again. I picked her up. For several months, my ex had NOT been communicating with me. He would call the 12 year old and work out plans with her and then become angry with me when I was unaware of "his plans". I told him time and time again to call me. I know we don't communicate well but, it's up to us not our daughter to act as parents. He called her one night and they got into an argument with ended with him saying he was going to call child services and she and her mom could just talk to them. I called and told him to not threaten her, he could threaten me all he wants but not her, that this was exactly the reason he needed to talk to me and not her. He told me it was my fault because I didn't talk to him in a timely fashion (I was at work) and he did nothing wrong. He screamed and hung up. I texted and told him he was blocked from her phone until he started communicating with me instead of her. when she refused to stay with him anymore it had been two months since that talk and two months in which he NEVER called me. I tried calling the house to talk about her wanting to come home and no one would talk to me. The phone was even answered and laid down so, I could hear people talking but, no one spoke to me. I picked her up, he helped her carrying her things to the car and when she went to say goodbye he slammed the door in her face with out saying a word.
fast forward. the friday before thanksgiving. she decides to give him a gift of staying with him (12 weeks later). I want to also mention that during this 12 weeks the only phone calls my ex has made have been to ask our daughter, "are you going to pass on this weekend?" Every other week.
Friday night she calls and wants to come home. I told her to try to enjoy herself. Saturday night she calls repeatedly wanting to come home. I tell her to talk to her Dad and let him know what's going on, I told her I was sure he would understand since it had been so long and this was a good step. WRONG. he understood nothing. she calls again crying & ask me to talk to him. He gets on the phone and I ask why she's crying. he didn't know she had been crying, says it's probably just her cold and ask me, "she missed a day of school this week for that right." I said I wanted to discuss what was going on now. He starts yelling telling me to kiss his rear (not the word he used), tells me he's not going to listen to me lecture him. I ask him to just talk, he doesn't hear me over his yelling, I finally just say I'm coming to get her.
Call again to attempt working out me getting her. He refuses to talk to me until our daughter says, "we'll never get along if you don't talk. You have to communicate to work things out." He gets on the phone ask me if I heard her. I say yes and that's all I'm allowed to say. I'm yelled at for the next five minutes. Threatened, told I won't be allowed to pick her up, told I'm a.... well you get the idea.
I call the police and ask if someone will escort me to get her. I'm told if he won't let her leave, even if she wants to they can't make him let her go. I tell them that's fine. I just want to know that she's okay and he's calmed down. I just need him to know that he's behavior is unacceptable. I'll gladly leave without her if she's safe.
The ex never calls me back, but, our daughter does and I tell her what I'm doing. After hearing this my ex agrees to meet me at the police station. I get there don't get out of the car. My girl gets in and tells me the police officer is standing beside the cars because her dad told him he was afraid of what I might do and she adds that he told her on the way to the station that I was "white trash". I told her in the custody papers it states that she should be free from either of us talking about the other in her presence... about me or him or the families and that I would let him know. She also told me that he had said to her on the way to the station that he would call HER when he was ready to allow her to visit him again. He told her that he "couldn't deal with her illness."
I texted him two days later, wanted things to calm down, told him to check the papers that he was not to talk negatively about me or my family in our daughter's presence or allow anyone else to.
I got a reply text from his girl friend that started off with f**k off. I have still not heard from him.
Can I get sole custody? How can I stop my daughter from having to go through this turmoil? I divorced him because he was abusive, but, I'm told that since there's no evidence of him being abusive to our daughter, I can't keep her from him.
I feel so trapped and helpless. What can I do for my daughter?
Isn't true that in the state of TN the only way to terminate a parents rights is if there is another person who will be adopting the child, unless there is an extreme case of neglect or murder of a sibling?
If a child is in state custody parental rights can be terminated without an identified adoptive parent. Of course an identified adoptive home would be great but is not a must have. A profile can be completed on a child in hopes of matching the child with the best home suitable for that child's needs.
My bf currently has 50/50 custody with his ex wife and the girls get swapped every other week. He recently got served with papers with her wanting to modify the parenting plan and her getting majority custody.
His ex wife just moved in with her bf who has been convicted of domestic violence, he served a year probation for it. We also have quite a bit of documentation showing his instability and anger. He also threatened people's lives including my bf.
This bf she has moved in with has 3 other children that he is about 50k behind in child support and he hasn't seen them in 2 years, yet my bf's ex wife believes he can support her and my bf's 2 children she is trying to get custody of.
I'm wondering what would be his best direction to go with this and does my bf have a shot at getting custody of his 2 little girls based off the inability of the mother to make wise decisions and not have her little girls around her bf with a track record like that.
What if the Father lies, under oath, about his address? We now live in two differen states and he has NOT tried to see our son in fact, he tried to trade him for the house which, he went and burned down instead. Now, he takes me to court because he is mad over money, he lies on the stand repeatedly, he has a newborn child with his live in girfriend (we are still married) I have proof she was staying at the house duing my sons entire visit and he quit his job two weeks ago and never bothered to tell me! (he didn't want to drive 8 more minutes to new store) Now he is lying about where he lives and who will watch our son (if) he has to work!!! I need help! I am desperate! I am terrified he will disappear with my child or worse....do something to him to punish me (for what I'm not sure) The judge says I have to send him down anyway or I go to jail!!!! How is that right? How is that in the best interest of my child?!?!?!
Calm down and take a deep breath. Nothing you've said here indicates Dad HAS hurt the child in the past, so what makes you think he will do so now? In all fairness, a Judge can't deny parenting time to another parent based on one parent's fears. Place yourself in that position. Would you want to be denied time with your son because Dad said he feared what you would do?
Due to a horrible three year marriage that involved mental and emotional as well as some physical abuse....(none of by the way that can be PROVED) I left MS and moved to TN..I was pregnant at the time. That was over 7 years ago. My ex not only has Never seen my son or paid a dime and he makes about 200k a yr but he also Willingly obtained an illegal divorce that doesn't mention children.. We are currenly on tenncare ( I have hear this matters) I cannot survive now without help of my mother. I work but do not make enough! Can I terminate his rights or somehow obtain legal full custody since he is a total absent parent. By the way he sent me a bday wish this yr and he said to give my son a bug and kiss from him! He is insane and EVIL to the core although those that currently know him think he is a saint! I want to protect my son should somehing happen to me...
im a single mother of 3 lovely children and when my last child who is now 4 was born my real mother tryed do take her from me she as she tryed with my oldest but in 2007 i had went to jail for driveing with no lincese and my mom gave her a lady that took my childern to church well now they have tempory cusdoty of her and i dont know what to do i have not signed my right nor has her father and they are nothing to me and i see her a hour a week and i need help on understand this law could anyone help me i just want my babygirl back please if u can email me at becerra82804@yahoo.com thank you rhonda
I have 3 teenage children and we live with my parents. My ex is trying to tell me that because the house and all the utilities are in my parents name that they are liable to take care of the kids and I could be ordered to pay child support. Mind you he is behind about 10k. He also says that because he provides healthcare coverage for the kids a judge would say that can be considered cs. Is he correct? I don't think so.
My son has a 2 year old daughter with his ex-girlfriend. His ex-girlfriend wants to move out of state with his daughter to live with her new boyfriend. My son has been paying for her insurance and daycare since they split up. The baby splits her time between my son and his ex-girlfrined's mother. His ex has been mostly abscent in parenting and her mother suspects she is using drugs. What can he do to prevent her from taking the baby out of state. Is there any hope.
Sorry I haven't answered questions here in a while. Somehow I stopped receiving notifications. But that's neither here nor there.
But, I'll start with the most recent question by Rebecca -
Has you son established paternity? If not, that's the very first step he'll have to take in order enforce any parental rights. He should be aware that doing so will set a child support order in place. He's already been paying expenses, so this shouldn't be an issue.
If he has established paternity (or after he does), he should file for custody - if indeed the child is staying with her mother. If the mother is in fact absent most time, he should ask for full LEGAL and PHYSICAL custody.
Tennessee has a 100 mile moving rule. Mom is required to provide written notice of her intent to move at least 30 days prior to the date of movement and Dad has the right to dispute it by filing with the Court. If what you say it true about Mom, the Courts will probably prevent her moving with the child. Please understand, they can't keep HER from moving, only the CHILD.
Your son should really seek the services of an attorney. As around the community for recommendations on attorneys.
I have a 4 month old daughter. Her father and I have never been married, but we split due to our differences. He became abusive towards the end of our relationship. I have no proof. I want him and our daughter to have a relationship, but I have finally found the one for me. He is now deployed over seas. But when he returns we plan to get married. Only down fall is he is stationed in Alaska. My ex has agreed to let both my daughter and I go. He wants me to travel back to Tennessee ever 6 months for 2 weeks so he can be with her. We have mediation in a few months do you think the judge will sign off on this?
Are you agreeable to making the trip back every 6 months? If so, then chances are a judge will sign off it. Make sure you and your ex specify who is going to pay for the travel (should be you, as you're creating the move or he gets a hefty credit in child support).
Something you should also consider covering in mediation is when your daughter starts school, because every six months for two weeks isn't going to work so easily. You might consider offering him half or all of summer and winter break; or something similar. But cover it now so you don't have to go back in 4.5 years.
I have a step son that is now 15 years old. He lived with my husband and I for the first 14 years of his life with his mother only being a parent when it was convient for her and when her mental health was stable. 2 years ago we moved from TN to IN and were planning on bring him with us, but after much thought and consideration we decided to let him try living with his mother because that is what he was wanting to do. We had tried this a few times in the past and it never lasted long or worked out well. The agreement was that he would come to our house one weekend a month during the school year and spend the summer with us while going to his mother's one weekend a month.
My husband had planned a summer vacation for the family that our son and his mother were aware of for that May and 3 days before we were supposed to leave for vacation we got an email from his mother saying that he wasn't going to be coming with us. Our attorney had an emergency hearing to ask the judge to let us take him with us. The events following are very unbelieveable to us and have changed our lives. In that hearing the judge asked to speak to our son alone. When the judge came back from speaking to him he granted temporary full custody to his mother and court ordered counseling for him. We were never given a reason for this.
My husband is the best father and husband anyone could ask for. He has always provided for his children and has no criminal or drug history or anything that could consitute having his child taken from him.
Since then the counselor hasn't allowed us to have family counseling that was court ordered and we have had no contact with him. It has now been 8 months. We are currently paying $2000.00 a month in child support.
I used to have faith in the court systems that they were fair and had everyones best interest in mind, I don't feel that way anymore. There are so many parents out there that don't do right by their children and don't take care of them and they get to see their children. Here is a loving family that wants to have their child a part of their lives and has been the stable parent for the first 14 years and is now for no understandable reason not allowed to. I believe that his mother has manipulated him into saying that he doesn't want anything to do with his father and the judge for some unknown reason is listening to this. I am in disbelief of what has happened, I always thought if you were a good parent this sort of thing couldn't happen to you, but I guess I was wrong.
Has anyone ever heard of a situation similar or have any advice to as what to do?
It's not uncommon for children that age to not want to visit a parent especially when it's out of state and away from friends. It sounds as if you took the right steps, however, to enforce the time.
I can't, however, fathom a Court just cutting off any parenting time whatsoever without just cause. That is odd. Was there any time Ordered? Such as two weeks within TN. Something along those lines?
Has your husband spoke with his attorney about what may have occurred? If he was pro se, has he considered hiring an attorney to try and correct this?
Those things aside, I speak from personal experience when I say do your best to stay in contact (email, facebook, mail, etc.) and don't ever give up hope. Remember, some day this young boy will be a man making his own decisions and Mom has no say. Leave the door wide open and someday he'll find his way back to Dad.
Thank you for your response. I know you have to be thinking that I have left something out, that there has to be some reason that we have given the courts to cut all contact, but there isn't ANYTHING. It is as simple as I have put it. No the judge has not given us any time with him. I as well could not have fathomed this and our attorney came out of the court that day in disbelief.
We are on our second attorney, we changed attorneys after nothing was being done and our new attorney hasn't been able to get any changes as well. The court is waiting on the counselor to give his ok that our son should see us. There is supposed to be family counseling but the counselor has indicated to us that our son just doesn't want to see us. I guess the world's new thinking is that we shouldn't make our children do anything that they don't want to do anymore, isn't that part of parenting sometimes?
I realize that teenagers don't think time with parents is important, but we as adults know that it is. We are reasonable people and aren't expecting him to always like it. Teenage boys need their fathers, and the courts with no reason have taken that away from our son.
Both of our attorneys have indicated to us that there is something in this particular judge's history with his children that has lead him to usually grant what the children want. I don't know what to do about this? We have already spent $10000.00 in attorney fees for nothing to be done.
I don't know if you are familiar with PAS, Parental Alienation Syndrome, but it is the only explination as to why our son isn't wanting to see us anymore.
As for your comment on staying in contact with him we have done everything within our power to do that but his mother has made it impossible. We had purchased a cell phone for him when he went to live there but she has now bought him a new one and refuses to give us the number. My husband used to text him to let him know that we are thinking of him but we can not even do that anymore. Let me make it clear though that we never expected him to make contact with us or use this to discuss anything going on between his mother and father, nothing hostile just a quick note "how's your day" type of note. The granparents have even driven 8 hours one way to show up at his mother's house just to have a quick conversation and she won't even require him to say hello, these coversations were never to cause problems or to be unkind in anyway towards his mother.
The sad thing is that I don't think he will ever find his way back to his dad, that is what my gut is telling me. These issues in the courts will probablly take longer to resolve than the time before his 18th birthday. His mother cut all contact with her family a long time ago and I see her encouraging him to do the same for whatever reason.
I guess my biggest question what do you do when you feel the courts have made rash, unfounded, and unreasonable decisions? How do you get them to take a bigger look at your problem?
Samantha, I was honestly hoping you DID leave something out. At least then it would be a rational decision on a Judge's part. Know what I mean?
Yes, I'm all too familiar with PAS. Unfortunately, we came to learn about it too late.
Bummer on the attorneys. I know everybody says "you need an attorney" and "I'd give up everything I owned to fight for my kid," well it sounds like you've done the first and the latter isn't always feasible - especially if there are other children.
What to do? I wish I had the answer for you. My best advice is, while the contacting and such may be impossible (and, truthfully, with a fifteen year old can old incite them more), just never lose hope.
If you lose hope, what else is there? And think of this way: WHEN, not if, he comes back around to Dad (be it 3 years or 20 years from now), will that not be the ultimate "stick it" to his Mom? :)
I was wondering if you might be able to guide me in what to do in my situation. I am fixing to start my divorce and I am seeking custody with him getting her every other weekend, but he is seeking every other week which would be fine I'd he had something to do with our child now especially living in the same house! He works a job where he never knows what time he is going to get off work! We have done many things that he never wants to be part of. I am the one taking care of her making sure she is fed and bathed unless I am at work. And even then I gave gotten her when I got off at 10 and picked her up brought her home bathed her and what not while he came straight home from work at normal time but made no afford to pick her up bathe and feed her left it for me to do when I got off work! Just wondering if you think I have good reason for him not get every other week with our child?
What you've got to remember is that sometimes a divorce is the wake up call an otherwise non-involved parent needs to begin spending more time with their child. And that's a good thing!
Tennessee is now leaning more toward the 50/50 rule when it comes to child custody. What will matter is the here and now, so chances are good that his past "lack" of parenting won't be considered and he'll be awarded the shared parenting he's asked for.
However, child custody is modifiable so if problem arise you can return. But just based on the things you provided here, it would be seen as a different in parenting not grounds for full custody.
Hope that helps give you an idea. Good luck!
Thank you very much and yes that helps! Jut gonna pray that this works out in my favor that why I know that she is safe at home every night with a warm bath and a full belly before bed! And thanks again!
I am hoping I can receive some advice. My fiance was previously married and has a 5 year old (who I have a fantastic relationship with). He had what sounds like the typical custody agreement of splitting time, until DCS intervened. His ex-wife is an alcoholic and DCS pulled her children (3 from 3 men) away from her and placed them in temporary full custody arrangements with supervised visits (most she cancels). My fiance's lawyer is now filing for a change of circumstances to receive full custody. Additionally, we will be getting married, and I am looking for new employment that is about 80 miles from where he lives (I am currently out of the state). I work in higher education, so there are not opportunities where he lives. Does anyone have any advice or words of wisdom moving forward to receiving full custody?
Divorced three four years ago, we have joint physical and legal custody. My work is more than likely going to take me out of the state of Tennessee as this job is ending soon. My company is going to send me to their headquarters and give me a job with better pay and more benefits. My child is 13 and really wants to move with me. (I have family living in the town of relocation) The ex does not work and lives with their parents. What can I do, and will the courts hear my child's voice on where they want to live? (relocation is about 800 miles and three states away)
A child must be 18 to choose their residence. In Tennessee, at the age of 12 a child can state a preference but it is only *1* of multiple factors and nothing you state here warrants a change in custody. Mom living with her parents has no bearing. If Mom disputes the change, especially considering your relocation, she will win.
I've been divorced 2 years. We have a custody agreement that splits the kids visitation between the two of us almost in half. Now my ex is taking me to court to take days away from my visitation. She does not like the fact that my work hours often require me to have the sitter stay with the kids while I am at work. I'm a single dad and I have to work hard to pay the child support awarded by the court ( almost $1000) a month. As soon as I'm off work I rush home to my kids. Its not as if I was out partying or somewhere else. I am legitimately working. Will she be able to take my kids from me or will the court realize that I am doing the best I can do and I'm a caring dad that loves my children?
inneed, honestly, it could go either way. It's all going to be dependent on your Judge and his/her personal opinions. It could be argued that the children are just fine with a sitter and allows the time needed with Dad or she could argue that the time is better spent with her than with a sitter. If I were in your shoes, I would retain an attorney.
If you would, come back and let us know how it works out. I'm curious to see myself how it goes and it'll help other parents being faced with the same situation.
Me and my ex husband have joint custody Although I do get child support. I'm planning on moving to Texas with my boyfriend of 3 years when he gets out of the army. A friend told me that in tn they will give my ex custody. Is this true do I have any chance of being able to take my daughter with me
In Tennessee, a custodial parent is required to notify the noncustodial parent of any move of more than 100 miles at least 30 days in advance of the moving date. If the noncustodial parent disagrees with the move then the moving parent must show why such a move is in the best interest of the CHILD.
It's possible to move, but if he exercises regular parenting time with his daughter, pays child support, and disputes the move, then yes it is possible he could obtain custody.
IF you are allowed to move, be ready to foot the bill for travel costs at least twice per year (typically winter/Christmas break and summer).
My husband and I both lost our jobs. My husband had to take a job out of state. We live 3 1/2 to 4 hours away from my ex husband who has temporary custody of my two kids 17 and 13. I have tried very hard to find a job but haven't been about to get one yet. In the temporary papers I am not required to pay child support as my ex husband said he didn't need it. I do however have to pay half of the medical bill. Since I do not have a job, I have fallen behind on my half of the medical bills. My husband carries insurance on his kids (that live with us 17 and 15) and mine but my ex husband hasn't filled the secondary insurance. I'm not sure why he wouldn't because that would be less money out of his pocket as well as mine. Since I've not been about to pay anything my ex husband tells me when I can and can't see the kids.Over the summer his wife through he and my kids out of the house. My kids called me the next morning from the hotel they were staying at. They told me that he told them not to tell me they got kicked out. I called a friend and asked if the girls could come stay with her and her family until they either worked things out or he agreed to let me come get them. I called him and told him that my youngest daughter wanted me to come get her. My oldest wanted to stay because it is her senior year. My ex told me I could come get her and he would give me custody. That night he went and picked the kids up and brought them back to his house. I asked him not to bring them with him until he worked things out with his wife but he refused. He took the kids with out even letting my friend know. She called me and said he just drove away with the kids and what should she do. I told her there was nothing she could do and I didn't want to get her involved any further than she was. Later that night my ex had my youngest call and tell me that if I came to get her, they were going to have me arrested for kidnapping. The next day they called me to let me know that my ex and his wife blocked my number from the girls cell phones. They did that because the girls called to tell me they were staying in the hotel. So they have had the girls call me from their cell phones (no land line) and they listen in on our calls. In Dec,my oldest step son got a new cell phone so he gave his old one to my oldest daughter so we could talk to each other more often and with out them listening in. Last week my ex found the cell phone and took it away. That night he had my oldest daughter call me and tell me to make arrangements for her to move in with me because he was kicking her out. The next day he told her that if I come get her he is going to have me arrested. So, he has done this with both of my kids and now, they not only make the girls call from their phones and listen in but they are only allowed to call me on Sunday mornings. Every time they call me, they can't talk long because the battery is always low on the phone. They have also said that I can not see visit or bring my kids to visit me anymore. I do not have a long distance parenting plan in place yet so I'm not sure what to do. They say I don't pay anything but I have paid for several prescriptions, written some checks to the school for various things. I have done all the driving to see my girls and bring my kids to and from my house. My kids have expressed to their father that they want to come live with me. My oldest daughter has had a lot of emotional problems living with him. She was put on Lexapro as a result. Her prescription has run out and my ex refuses to refill it. It's dangerous to go off an antidepressant cold turkey. I was going to refill it when go there to see them next week but he has said I can't see them. I'm am in a panic because I can't got with out seeing or talking to my kids. We are very close. Can you please point me in the right direction as I can not afford a lawyer. Can he keep them from me? I have tried and am trying every day to find a job. I can't make someone hire me. I want to be able to do more for my kids. I'd really like to have them here with me. Do I have any hope for that happening?
Elizabeth, I would strongly recommend you get an attorney. I'm not sure if your daughter's mental health issues would be considered a change of circumstances for custody, but you most definitely need a long distance parenting plan in place as well as a provision to allow you a specified amount of private, uninterrupted telephone conversation time with your children. (If you get custody, expect this to also apply to your ex) You'll also need to expect to pay a specified amount of child support, but additionally ask for the provision that uncovered medical expenses be calculated ONLY after application of both available insurances.
Again, let me stress, you should hire an attorney. These issues are too difficult to tackle without one.
Thank you....if I were to get custody...I would NEVER try to keep the kids from my ex. He is their father weather I like it or not and I wouldn't use my kids to spite their dad. I wish he would work on his relationship with them before anymore damage is done. I really just want us all to get along. That's all I've ever wanted and tried to do but since he got married...his wife is the driving force behind all of this mess. Anyway, I have a meeting with an attorney. Just don't know how I'm going to pay for it. Thank you again.
My mother and I have joint custody of my three neices 12,9,and6,for the past 5 years. We got temporary custody of my nephew age 4 now last january 2011. the mother was on meth did not do the drug rehab and finally did not show up for the last court date in april 2011.She has not spent any time with the girls for the past five years maybe seen them in passing a few times that is all.She is my sister in law she has a new boyfriend and has started texting my mother threating to drag us back to court to get ALL her kids.My brother and her signed custody over to my mother and myself. I want to know if i should be worried the girls are are life and we are all they know and we have gotten attached to the little boy as well now the girls also. thanks
Custody is always modifiable, so she COULD take you all back to Court but she would have to prove a change of circumstances for the KIDS in order to be successful. Admittedly, the Courts are prone believe that the best interests of the children are with a parent if they have cleaned up their act. However, it takes more than shacking up with a guy to claim their life is suitable enough to reclaim their children.
My sister just was granted a divorce from her husband, they gave 3 boys age 12, 7 & 4..divorce was granted and she was told she would retain custody of the 2 youngest but judge wanted to talk to the 12 year old..when they went bck to court he talked to the 2 oldest boys..and asked them about living arrangements..both boys said they wants yo stay in Tn school because of friends (mom is moving bck to KY to live w/ our parents)...how could a judge think its on s child's best interest to split up 3 brothers and to let a 7 year old to make such a descidion?? Also, Dad works a swing type shift, 3 12 days on & 3 off, but it also includes 2nd and 3rd shift....plus hes several payments behind on mortgage and will soon loose the house and judge saw paperwork to prove this....how could a judge make such poor descisions...its like he totally ignored the boys best interest....if he had kept them together at least they would have had each other..I just dont understand....
Is your sister not willing to stay here in TN so that the boys could be together?
She said she wld if she needed to... but she doesn't work and has no where else to go..
Out of curiosity, I am going back to court with my ex-husband, something he initiated by refusing to return my children last summer.
I moved out of state 2 years ago with his full agreement/support which included written notice and his written accpetance. He got a wild hair up his butt after I pushed him to pay child support (he's 4 yrs delinquent) and so now I'm taking him back to court to officially modify etc.
Does he have a leg to stand on trying to object to my move and make me move back 2 years after agreeing to it and not objecting in any mannor and knowing the children are in a stable home and doing excellent in school and the community??
Thanks.
While no one can predict what a judge will rule (they have their wild hairs too), I feel confident saying he has slim to none chances in forcing the children back - especially 2 YEARS later.
Hi Kim, Me and my ex split up 7 years ago. I have kept my daughter Thursday after school and she picks her up on Monday after school. The next week, I keep get her Wednesday and she picks her up Friday after school. This has been going on for 7 years without ever going to court. Lately she keeps abusing our agreement. We work together and everyone here knows that I am an exceptional father. I pay her 350.00 a month and half of medical bills. Knowing that I pay her plus keep my kid half of the time, what would you think the chances are that I could take her to court and have one week on and one week off? We were never married and I thought we were being civilized about it all but I'm tired of her abusing the situation.
I have a 12 year old daughter. Her father and I share 50/50 custody. He has recently started living with a woman and her two children. He says he is not living with her. He says that he only stays there until midnight and then returns early in the morning. My daughter stays at the house with the girlfriend and her two children. I personally do not believe that he leaves at nite, but either way, I don't like the situation. My daughter is forced to share a room with the girlfriend's daughter and she does not get along with the children. She is very depressed and cries when it is time for her to leave my house. She calls me or texts me every day when she is with him begging me to come and get her. She has told me many times that she wants to live with me full time, and only see him every other weekend. Is this new living arrangement cause enough for me to take him back to court for a custody modification?
@Christopher - Do you currently have an order in place for your parenting time?
@Inrussell - Even if Dad is staying overnight with his girlfriend, unless you have an overnight visits with the paramours in your decree (which even then is difficult to enforce), this is a no-win situation as nothing you state is grounds for a modification. You need to encourage your daughter to get to know Dad's new girlfriend, enjoy her time with Dad, and make friends with the kids who are likely to wind up her stepsiblings. How you react will greatly affect your daughter's attitude - so keep things positive!
Kim, no, we split up 7 years ago and never went to court. I write her checks every week since then and write in the memo what week it's for. But EVERYONE that knows us (work together) knows that I spend 2 days on week and 4 days the next week with her for the past 7 years. It's just recently become a problem over the last year.
Thanks for answering, Christopher. You need to get an Order yesterday. By Tennessee law, she doesn't have to permit yo u any time without such an Order in place. Doing so now would allow you to use the past time as a status quo and keeps Mom from changing things on a whim.
Of course, I should warn but you're probably already aware, doing so could create animosity with Mom and problems until the Court order, so only can decide if it's something you want to do. For me, however, I've found Court Orders with specifics is best.
If you have any more questions, please feel free to ask and I'll help anyway I can.
my ex has custody of our 12 year old. we divorced in 2004 visitation was set every wkend with me . in 2005 she weht to dept of human services and told them to take our son off her brnefits that he was going to live with his dad. support was set for her to pay. she is behind 4000.00 she was sent to jail for numerous things at that time she failed 6 drug test and was dismissed from drug court.and spent 6 months in jail.now out shewants my benefits i get on my son and demanding me to drop the c,s.since i refuse she took my child away and says we going by original p.p.what is my rights.i have court documents that proves the child lives in my home since 2005.
Rocky, if you're parenting plan hasn't been changed to give you status as primary residential parent you need to do so ASAP. As if the order wasn't changed, just switching child support payee and payor isn't enough and she didn't do anything wrong. You need to do it now, otherwise too much time will pass and she will gain the status quo - which is what you can claim if you file NOW.
While an attorney is best, you can visit your local Court Clerk's office for forms to file your own modification.
I have been divorced for 4 years. My daughter is 8. We have 50/50 custody. She has ADD and takes medication for it. Which he agreed to but won't go to the appointments. She just started the meds 2 weeks ago and he wants to stop them. He says she doesn't have that disorder. Can I go to court and ask a judge to force him to give her the meds?
My husband wasn't married to the woman he had a child with. She disappeared with their child and no one knew where she took her. He went to the courts and when she found out that the police were going to get her in another state she showed back up and nothing was done to her. It was then that she was to stay in Tennessee. She is now moved again and won't tell my husband where she is, won't let him talk to his daughter, won't give him an address or a receipt if she has to go to the doctor and he sends extra money, she doesn't have a home phone, her cell phone runs out of minutes within a couple days, it's just B.S. My husband won't go back to court b/c when he calls they tell him basically if he can't catch her with drugs in her hands he might as well save his money. We spent over $5,000 trying to get her before and the lawyer just kept asking for money and doing nothing. Please help and advise what we need to do!!!
Sounds like your husband needs another attorney, one who will at least demand that Mom provide Dad with an address and file contempt for the denial of his parenting time (he does have time Ordered, right?).
So I had a child with a guy I was dating two and a half years ago. My daughter is turning three in a few months. He baisicaly raped me and I tried salvaging our relationship and we even planed to get married. I never reported it as rape and everything was going ok and then when my daughter was three months old he started watching porn and masterbating in front of my child while I was at school. We lived with my parents because I was still in high school. He wasn't watching her well so I told him I didn't want to be with him. I couldn't kick him out because I needed his help with her while I was at school. I let him stay sans computer because it was my computer anyway. My parents would tell me how she would scream when he changed her diaper but I just figured they didn't like him and I didn't really pay them any mind. I always took care of her when I was home. When I got out of school I started to see more how bad he treated her. He would be way too rough with diaper changes and he was creepy and would smack her butt in the bathtub. After I saw him smack her butt in the bathtub (not as a punishment. Just in a pedo kind of way) I started giving her all her baths. At one point she was afraid of baths when he gave them to her even. As a punishment he would smack her hands to where they were very red and she would scream. I have one video I took after he hit her of her hand being red but that's all I got because I was afraid he would delete everything I took if he noticed. She was one at the time of the video. She grew up calling him by his name and not calling him dad or anything and only recently has she started to call him daddy and only because he corrects her. I finally made him move last December so it's only been about four months that he hasn't been here. I don't charge him anything for her and he comes to see her two times a week. I don't let him take her anywhere alone and he and I argue basically every second we are talking. I made him move because he was starting to get violent. He jerked me by my arms a few times. I already didn't let him care for our child much because he was rough/violent and that's why I don't let him take her. That and he doesn't watch her or care for her well. She gets hurt a lot under his care. He doesn't pay attention to her at all when he comes over and he never calls to talk to her and the times she has asked to call him and I call him for her to talk he acts annoyed. I'm getting married in August to a guy I've been dating for a while who I was also dating before I made my ex leave because he and I weren't dating. My fiancé absolutely loves my daughter and spends every minute he can with her. He calls just to talk to her all the time and we are very happy. He wants to adopt her and I also want him to be able to. He has a good stable job and he is a wonderful role model and he always thinks of her. Her biological dad isn't on her birth certificate and I assume I have sole custody as of right now. But I know that he will try to get some sort of rights just so my fiancé who loves her cant adopt her. He is dangerous and he is older than me and shows tons of signs of being a pedophile and I don't want my daughter around him that's why we split in the first place and I don't know what I can do to cut him out of the whole situation. I know most people would say that she should have a good relationship with her dad and yada yada but they don't know this guy and right now he means nothing to her she has a chance at a good normal family and I need to find a way to do the best for my child and keep her safe. Should I go to court? I don't want child support and I don't want him to be around her at all unles she is old enough and asks to be. Thank you for any help/advise.
Wait a minute, Tera, your daughter is 3 but you began noticing these "weird things" about her Dad even before her first birthday, but YOU just put HIM out in DECEMBER? He was good enough to babysit her while YOU went school, but he's not good enough to be DAD now? And you want to play a game of musical daddies with this fiance you've got because he's oh so wonderful?
Sound harsh? Yes, it does but nothing compared to the field day your daughter's daughter is going to have with you on the stand. My anger-inducing questions are just micro intro to what you face in Court.
But to answer your question - yes, in Tennessee, mothers are presumed to have sole custody with children born out of wedlock where there has been no methods taken to establish paternity. Regardless, you will still have to seek Dad's approval for your fiance (who will be required to be your husband for at least one year) to adopt.
Now, before you go swapping Dads, you need to ask yourself this: if things don't work out with your marriage, are you ready to take a chance he could gain custody of your daughter? Or the child having to spend weeks at a time with him? Once he adopts, he gains the same rights as you - even if you divorce.
Something to think about.
This is one for an attorney because it's a toss up of whether they will force Dad to give the meds or not. If Dad presents a good enough argument against the meds, he could win. Alternatively, if you have his agreement in writing, he could be Ordered to but actually making him do it is another thing altogether.
My boyfriend and father of my unborn child lives in tennessee, with his first child, he is paying child support on, there are NO jobs where he is living in tennessee and so he is behind on child support anout 2,000...is he allowed to move out of state and get a job?? or will they arrest him for leaving??
I'm assuming he is not the custodial parent since he's paying support...and if that is indeed correct, he's free to move anywhere he chooses. However, he will most likely be required to pay ALL transportation costs for his parenting time.
I am the grandmother of a beautiful 3yr old boy whose mother and father were not married and have not established any visitation plan with the court, etc. My daughter and the child lived with me for 20 mos. and I provided daily care, he had his own room, my daughter relied on me for housing, food, etc. between 2 different times of unemployment. The child considers this his home and me, his aunts his caregivers as mom has demonstrated irratic behavior, bullied, yelled, demanded, with regard to his behavior/consequences too strong for a 3 yr. old. My daughter and I had "words" about this on several occassions w/her commenting "you can have him...or you seem to do such a better job you take him". So, I spoke with his father who has been fairly consistent in his life about my general concerns on her parenting skills, all the while telling me that he "would not take visitation from me...I am an important part of his life, etc.". After she found that we were speaking, she and I, once again, had "words" and she slapped me (not in front of the child but while he was upstairs after one of her bereting sessions to him. The father picked him up for visitation and she moved in with her new boyfriend. The father applied for 30 day sole custody and a judge granted this. The hearing is in 2 wks. Since I am on a limited income and cannot afford an atty. could I send a letter to the judge asking my status/circumstances be considered with reagard to scheduled visitation, shared custody until my daughter can get the mental help that she needs?
Nope, you have NO rights to your grandson. The best you can do is play nice with Mom and Dad and be allowed to see the child during either of their times.
My exhusband and I have a 4 year old daughter. I am currently trying modify our parenting plan. We share joint custody and he does pay child support but she will be starting pre kindergarten in August. He is on probation and still continues to go to clubs (I have the pictures) which is a violation of his probation. We have been divorced for 1 year and he has yet to obtain life insurance on himself even though he continues to put his life at risk by going out and partying. Also, risking a violation of probation that could cause him to not see his child. Not only that he has a child out of wed lock with another woman. This child is only a few weeks older that our child. We have been divorced for barely a year and he has exposed our child to at least for different women and has recently decided to marry the other childs mother whom he has told me is mentally unstable aka threatened to kill herself, couldn't get out of bed to function for thier own child and whom he has said himself he does not trust with our child.. i also have the texts to prove this.. Do you know what my chances might be????
Confused, *sigh*. His clubbing may be a violation of his probation but it has NO effect on his child unless he is TAKING her to the clubs. If he violates his probation and lands in jail for any period of time, then it might be worth mentioning. Otherwise, why the need to be a tattle-tell?
My ex says all sorts of horrendous things about me, I'm sure. How much of it's truth, how much of it is talking smack about an ex? WE all do it. Doesn't mean it's true. Unless this woman has a rather lengthy criminal history OR puts YOUR child's life in danger OR threatens suicide or whatever in your child's PRESENCE, then chances are very slim it's going have the desired results. Not going to say it can't happen, just saying, if he fights it, things are in his favor.
Yes, he does. He is supposed to have her every other weekend and when school is on breaks...*spring break, Christmas break, etc. I'm trying my best to get him to get another lawyer, wish us luck! This is the second one! Third time the charm? I feel like every time we are starting over UGH! She is going on spring break in a couple weeks so we will see what happens then...
Thank you for responding to my inquiry on my grandson's circumstances with regard to visitation etc. Since I have NO rights - I suppose that child services is my grandson's only hope of protection from the emotional abuse he has and will continue to suffer, the reckless parenting skills displayed, and loss of his home of more than 2/3 of his young life?? I am a young 52 yr old grandmother who is fighting/surviving a terminal cancer with little time left to be in my grandson's life. I share this info because, if nothing else, I hope anyone else reading this will consider what they are doing by exposing their children to the chaos that I read on this blog. Thanks and I wish the best for you and all!
Sadmom, make sure the attorney your husband picks is a fighter! I think your husband should seek custody if Mom can't or won't provide him with an address. Of course, I realize those cases cost a lot of money. Let me know how it works out! :)
What if you are trying to change a parenting plan or terminate rights of a parent because they have not exercised them and/ or you have a dr to say the visits are to emotionally disturbing for the child. Then as you are waiting for court date the ex starts demanding to see the child when they have not for months just because of the court case pending? The child is of age to talk to the judge so it seems the ex wants to talk the child out of it. The child is 14 and father hasnt followed any of the parenting plan yet randomly calls and demands the child cancel everything to see father. Child requested we change the papers so he doesnt have to go unless he wants to its very dissruptive for him . Even though the child has requested all this happen i still hate to put the child in the middle more by dad forcing visitation on him before court.
Not going to say it CAN'T happen, but chances are slim that you're going to do away with Dad's parenting time without his agreement. It's definitely not warranting of terminating Dad's rights, so you need to just forget about that.
So My 15 yr old daughter came to me 2 weeks ago with a photo of her bruised face and told me that her mother punched her. She stated that this has been going on for a while now. I did what I thought was best for her safety and reported the incident to Childrens Services. Now my daughter refuses to come see me on our scheduled weekend. We live in Tennessee, can I make her come? Or am I at the mercy of a pissed off 15 yr that is still living with her abuser?
Nope, as long as you've got a Court Order for parenting time then she's required to come.
me and my ex have shared custody he gets her every weekend Friday till Monday morning and i have her during the week days he was abusive to me and my other kid from a previous marriage so i finally got out and got a divorce but didn't have the money to fight him and i had to have papers taken back 2 or three times before he would sign them the way he wanted them we are to agree on pick up places and holidays but he wants to tell me the times and places and when i try to ask if we can meet other places and times he wont agree sometimes, she has came home saying many times she is scared of him and don't want to go with him, he is a controlling person and he has put bruses on her arm and now dcs is involved what do i need to do scared he is brain washing her and telling her to say stuff that she don't want to say i really don't have the money to take him to court and it said something in our papers if the other takes it back to court they have to pay for the others lawyer please help me
my daughter left her husband because cheated
she had left thegirls with my oldest daughter to go over to germany for 2 weeks and when her husband found out that the girls were with my other daughter he came to ill. and made her give him the girls and I have the chance to get them tomorrow and then cait will take them from me now in Ill. that is what is done the parent can take the kids there is no divorce even filed as of yet and I dont want to go to jail for kidnapping because he is giving me the girls to have an all day visit tomorrow but I need to know that the law is the same in tn as it is in Ill as for the parent getting to take the girls and all please help
If Mom leaves the state of Illinois with the girl, it's not kidnapping, since no custody orders are in place, but I'm betting Dad will file immediately and she'll be forced to return the children to Illinois. Mom's pushing the limits here and she could easily find herself as non-custodial parent. Being a cheater doesn't make one a bad parent and it sounds as if your daughter is using the girls to punish Dad. She needs to get over that right now before things go very, very badly.
My ex and I divorced in 2004, we have a 13 year old son. After our divorce I was the custodial parent. In 2006 I began a relationship with a man who turned out to be abusive. In late 2006 my ex was informed of this and sought custody. I did not fight it because I knew it was best for my son. My ex said that when I got my life together we could revisit custody. I have payed child support because at that time I was unemployed. I have however always paid whatever asked of me, whether it was monthly payments for braces, school lunch, athletic fees or payments for school trips. In the last 5 years, i have been in a stable, non-abusive relationship, and we do live together.I have gone to college and received a nursing degree. In essence I have turned my life around. In the last few years my son has had a lot of trouble with school and has been diagnosed with ADHD. My sons stepmom keeps me very informed of my sons problems, but things are getting worse for him. He is depressed all the time, he cries that his stepmom says all he is is a liar and a failure. His dad has given all discipline right to the stepmom. My son has told his dad he wants to live with me and his dad says its not going to happen. I did ask my ex if the conversation occurred and he told me exactly the same thing. My son is miserable and it breaks my heart. I did meet with my ex to talk about options and he totally shot everything down. He said I was never getting custody again and that was that. I want my son to live with me and don't even want child support because I haven't paid for 5 years. Our son will be 18 in 5 years and that seems fair. Do I have a leg to stand on?
As I'm fond of saying, "I won't say it can't happen, just saying it probably won't."
Dad has the status quo and Courts aren't fond of changing custody just because a kid isn't happy where they're at. Why? Because teens are notorious for not liking their current residence - be it with Mom, Dad, or both in a nuclear family.
Nothing you've said here really warrants the change of circumstances necessary for a change consideration.
Have you tried talking with Dad about reaching an agreement to allow you more parenting time that would still leave him in position of primary residential parent?
In the meantime, don't allow Junior to talk badly about Dad and Stepmom. Remember, kids love a captive audience and are always willing to say whatever they think someone wants to hear. Tell him where he lives isn't his choice and talk about the things he can do to improve in school - which, in turn, makes for a happy home life.
I am a father of three children who I love very much.i pay my child support ,and have visitation rights .still the mother tries 2control my parental visits I know that I have the right 2 see them under the court order,but the drama is so much sometimes 2 the point where I just let her have her way or just wait till she is in a good mood. I am not a weak man but and I dont want 2bring da police 2her house everytime I want 2see my kids.she tries 2use my kids as a weapon because she knows how I feel about them.this has been going on since we split in 04.ive moved on and have tried 2call a troose several times do 2the fact that its my kids mom.tierd ,fustrated and pissed 2tell u the truth.its just not working .she also verberly abuse my kids and tells them I dont love them they are terrified of her. She recently had my kids along with her other 2kids in her truck stone drunk and driving 4in the morning leaving memphis trying 2go 2arkansaw hitch hiked two times that morn.my son who had sergery the day before sometimes I just want 2try and get full custady but I still think of what would happen 2the other 2kids she has already lost custady of one of her kids im just tierd what do I do?
Well, Charles, you only have three choices: (1) File for custody, sounds like, if you have a clean background, you might stand a pretty good chance; (2) Stand up to Mom and file for contempt for every infraction until she figures out she can't bully you; or (3) Give in her to her whims and do the best you can while still maintaining a relationship with your children.
I strongly, STRONGLY recommend talking with an attorney.
I am a father of three children who I love very much.i pay my child support ,and have visitation rights .still the mother tries 2control my parental visits I know that I have the right 2 see them under the court order,but the drama is so much sometimes 2 the point where I just let her have her way or just wait till she is in a good mood. I am not a weak man but and I dont want 2bring da police 2her house everytime I want 2see my kids.she tries 2use my kids as a weapon because she knows how I feel about them.this has been going on since we split in 04.ive moved on and have tried 2call a troose several times do 2the fact that its my kids mom.tierd ,fustrated and pissed 2tell u the truth.its just not working .she also verberly abuse my kids and tells them I dont love them they are terrified of her. She recently had my kids along with her other 2kids in her truck stone drunk and driving 4in the morning leaving memphis trying 2go 2arkansaw hitch hiked two times that morn.my son who had sergery the day before sometimes I just want 2try and get full custady but I still think of what would happen 2the other 2kids she has already lost custady of one of her kids im just tierd what do I do?
My ex husband and I have not been together for a few years now. He didn't get the kids for months then was getting them n now it's down to 1 day a week. When they r with him they say he doesn't feed them but 1 meal a day. He never has my daughters carseat when he picks up. His new gf which he's already had a baby with is supposedly an ex drug dealer may still sell I'm not sure. Well now he's telling my 7 year old that he wants his family back. That we can all be together again and get the baby everyother weekend. He told my 7 yo that his new gf makes him do bad things. When I asked what kind of bad things she said drugs!!!! I think this is rediculous to bring my child into this n emotionally scar her by giving her hope n telling her he's doing drugs. What can I do to get his custody visitation to supervised only ??? And do I have a case for sole custody??
Possibly, based on his failure to use a carseat but, first go 'round, he's probably going to be prohibited visitation IF he shows up without the carseat. The other things I don't agree with but they're not typically enough to warrant supervised visitation. Instead I recommend you seek counseling for your daughter.
I think I posted in the wrong area so sorry if you've already seen my question. My ex and I have joint custody (50/50) and have been divorced for 10 years. We only live a couple of miles apart, but we're zoned for different school districts. The kids at times have gone where I was zoned, but for the past 6 years have gone where their dad is zoned based on mutual agreement. The kids want to live with me full time, which I won't get into now. But their dad always tells them (if they bring it up that they want to live with me f/t) that they would have to change schools. I don't see why they couldn't continue to go to their same schools as long as I can get them there, which obviously I can. What determines that? He's tried to force me to sign something to change some little check-box on our Parenting Plan by saying that if I wouldn't do it, he wouldn't allow my son to play sports for his school. He says that we each have one of the kids (which is true - he's got the check-box for my daughter and I have the check-box for my son - it's on the front page of our PP). He's said that his attorney told him it has to do with which parent's school zone that child would go to...that was never explained to me that way. His attorney wants us to pay him $500 to go back and get it changed. My ex tells me that officially my son should be going to school where I'm zoned. I find it hard to believe the PP would be set up to split kids up as far as where they go to school - that doesn't make any sense! My attorney advised me not to sign it and said he's full of crap. Nonetheless, my ex is holding this over my son's head and telling him he won't allow him to play school sports now (though he did allow him to play school sports several years ago). Now that he's in high school, he claims that they could find out our son isn't supposed to be going there and this could cause the team to forfeit any wins/championships. I think he's just trying to get me to do this because it gives him some sort of control over me, though I don't know what. All I know is he registers them for school because he lives in the district (just like I registered them whenever they attended school in my district). You have to provide whatever the schools require to prove you live in the school district, which he does every year. They don't ask for PP's - it isn't part of any requirement. So he's just making this up to hold it over my son's head and try to blame me for him not being allowed to play school sports! I mean it's not like the coach is going to ask to see our PP to make sure my son is going to the right school. They have no grounds to ask for that. Sorry if I got off subject a bit. My question really is this...is there anything in the PP that specifically says we have to use a certain parent's address for a particular child's school zone? And is the school situation affected if custody were to change?
That's not really a family law issue but a school issue. Some school districts do require a parent to be the primary residential parent in order for the child(ren) to attend schools. If your son excels in school sports, it's very likely an opposing team parent or coach would look for a reason to ban him from playing by presenting your PP.
I'd recommend talking with the superintendent or principle of your son's school to see if this applies.
Kim, thank you so much for your quick response! I will definitely dig further into this. Thank you so much for what you're doing here :)
Ok, I need to apologize in advance. This will be a long post. But I'm in need of some kind of answers and I can't find anything or anyone to give me any.
When I found out that I was pregnant with my son, I was dating one guy (Ro) and also having an affair with (Rob). I don't know exactly who is the father. Neither of them wanted to be apart of me or my son's life while I was pregnant. Around my 6th month, I started talking to an old friend (Alonzo) Whom I've known for almost 6-7 years now. I knew my son wouldn't have a father, so I asked him if, when the time came, would he be a good role model to my son? He said yes.
Well the day came, and I had my son. Alonzo came up to the hospital to see me and my son. I signed the birth certificate and left "Father" blank. Me and Alonzo started dating and everything seemed great til around Christmas time. I caught him talking and texting/sexting other MEN AND WOMEN (pictures of naked men and women in his phone) and of course it was all denied. We've been off and on since then.
But before I discovered all that, I just knew I could trust him and that I wouldn't have to worry about any funny business with him cause he seemed ginuwine. So I made the mistake of allowing him to sign my son's birth certificate. (Alonzo signed the birth certificate but he's not the biological father)
As the months have gone by, I've found out more and more that he is not the man that he percieved himself to be. I found out that he's been in trouble twice, one misdemenor one felony. His misdemenor was theft u/500 and his felony was burg of auto and agg assault. He's threatened me several times these last few months. He's said that I am not allowed to leave the state even to go on a vacation or he would take out a warrant for my arrest for kidnapping my own child. There have been no custody agreements nor has child support been paid. Now I just want him completely out of my life.
I don't think he's safe for me to be around nor my son for that matter. He's very into cars, so the burg to auto really got me worried not to mention the agg assault. He's trying to take me to court now for visitation. What should I do? I want his name removed from the birth certificate and his biological father's added.
-Laura and Nathan
Laura, this is why no one should ever intentionally lie on a birth certificate. Until (and IF) bio Dad is willing to step up, Alonzo is staying on the birth certificate. You need a very good lawyer.
Even if I demand a paternity test on Alonzo? I am trying to get legal help.
Tennessee will not bastardize (their term, not mine) unless someone is willing to step up to the plate, which is what will have to happen before the state requires ANY paternity testing. That's why I said you need a very, very good lawyer.
I have a question. My boyfriend and I have been living together for 8 months now. Well his child's mother is refusing for him to see his little gil. He pays child support but they don't have visitations set up. Well now she has a problem with her coming over because her "lawyer" says she isn't supposition to say the night with us because we are mot married how true is that?
If there is custody order in place, then there is nothing stopping you from being there.... but there is also no order giving Dad time either. So my suggestion would be this: until an order is entered, your boyfriend should find somewhere else to stay while he has Jr - say, his parents home, for example.
When my child's father was granted visitation. He picked her up a few times, then he stopped. Then he wanted to start back, it has never been on a regular basis. Can I really have it enforced, since he filed to motion?
Noncustodial parents cannot be forced to exercise their parenting time. However, as the custodial parent it is your responsibility to make the child available when he wants to do so. Seems a little unfair, I know, but it is what it is.
My child's father and I separated 5 years ago, I filed for divorce and the divorce is still pending. He disappeared for about 3.5 years, didn't see his child and didn't do anything about it. I've had the same attorney the whole time ( pro bono and not really working on my case) he's had 9 attorneys so far. In 2010 we went to mediation, found out he has a new child with a new girlfriend and now lives in AL. I was forced to agree to a parenting plan giving him visitation. He gets every other weekend and so far has been sticking to it. He is yet to pay any child support though. Currently owes me $18000! He would always our child back late but at least was bringing him back. Until last Sun when he decided he wasn't going to. My son had a cut on his leg from falling and he is now accusing me of neglecting him!!! When I tried to go get my child back who is still currently across state lines in AL I found out that the parenting plan was never filed with the court so there's nothing I can do. Please help. I have fired my so-called-attorney and working on getting another one.
Honestly, you are going to have to get an attorney. If nothing has been filed with the Court declaring who has custody, then it's as if both of you have the same rights.
Sorry I can't offer more. :(
I have two children with a man I was never married to. They have his last name and he is on their birth certificates. We lived together up until January and then he went to jail for drug charges. I have since moved on and am providing a great life for my children. He has made threats that he is going to take my children when he is released from jail. Is there anything preventing him from doing this? Do I have custody of my children even though they have his last name? If he takes my children without my consent, is there something the police will do?
I strongly advise that you get a custody order in place. However, the presumption in Tennessee is that, even if listed on the birth certificate, Mother is presumed to have custody of children born out of wedlock in the absence of a Court order. Will the police do anything? Depends on department policy when it comes to civil matters.
my boyfriend and I live together. I have 3 kids that live with me and he has two that he has visitation with. his daughter is 12 and son 5 they would both like to live with us. The daughter says the mom is threatening her that if she wants to come here she will go adopt another child and give her room away, then told her last week. if she has to spend more time with her dad she will not take her on vacation. im concerned that she is being verbally and mentally abused. What should we do. Dad loves his kids. He has been trying to get a divorce from this lady for over 4 years and she stalls the hearings every chance she gets. she has threatened me on several occasions, calls me names at her daughters volleyball games infront of other parents and her daughters teammates. i actually have stayed away from the sons games now just because daughter is so scared her mom is going to hurt me. they went to counseling for the son and the counselor told them it was her that needed help. that she has anger issues and needed to get them under control in front of the children.
I have full custody of my children our divorce took place 8 years ago in tennessee I have full custody my daughters are in a wedding in another state is it illegal for them to attend without me but with my pastor and his wife.
"WE" can't do anything. This is your boyfriend's WIFE, it is HIS problem to handle.
That said, Dad needs an attorney. If he has one, he needs to consult with him/her about these issues.
It's not illegal but it's always best to notify the other parent - if s/he is involved - when the children are leaving the state along with an itinerary. Not only is it a proper courtesy, but non-custodial parents are still awarded these rights parenting plans - even in cases of sole custody.
Hello,
My ex wife wants to change the parenting plan in an effort to.. well I'm not exactly sure why.. up to this point I have lived at the same house for eight years. I have had the same schedule for eight years. He used to come here everyday after school and I would help with home work, mom would pick him up when she got off work and he would spend the weekends with me. All this based on the current plan in effect. There has been a stability in his life I never had growing up. The current plan is not broken in any way than I can see. He will be a teenager soon and I feel spending less time with dad at this point in his life would do more harm than good. I pay child support and his needs are met under the current parenting plan. I am completely floored by the sudden urge to change things around. I do not have money for a lawyer. what chance do I have to fight this on my own.
Aaron, from what you're saying here, there has been no real change in circumstances to warrant a modification. Mom may be just blowing smoke and I would just tell her no. If she files, consult with an attorney as s/he will be familiar with the local judges and how they tend to rule in these cases.
My husband is trying to get custody of his boys. The mom has no job lives off the government and is expecting anothr baby. Her and the boyfriend all share a single bedroom which is packed full the childrens play area is as small as 5foot. I myself have witnessed the moms boyfriend mental abuse the oldest... I told the guy off. She doesn't show up for mediation or the attorneys office. She always shows up for child support court though. How will a judge determine the best interest of the children?
Hello, I have been married to my husband for one year, we each have a child from someone else. His son (2yr old) mother is a CONSTANT drama queen. He does have a parenting plan in place, he has him Every tuesday and wed he goes back to his mom thursd morning and we have him every other weekend from friday to sunday night. almost every single week she calls and has something to go off about that is complitly false, stating that I spank her child and his dad spanks him with paddles and we dont give him meds and we dont bathe him, and it goes on and on and on, literally. NUTHING we do is right and we have to see her at least twice a week and hear it in person. there has been many exchanges of the child where she starts yelling and screaming with the child on her hip. it is so emontionally draining for all parties involved ESPECIALLY the child. My son is 4 and we have him every other week. no problems at all with his father. So my question is, is the constant turmoil and arguing enough ground to fils petition to change the parenting plan, we dont want to take him away from her just want to have week to week(as we do with my son) and the drop off day be monday morning at daycare so that we do not have to see her and have a designated time during the week we have him for her to call and talk ONLY TO THE CHILD not us. Is this possible? Thanks in advance for any response!
YOU don't need to be confronting the boyfriend, DAD should handle that. It's not your place.
That said, being on the dole (although it wouldn't be my choice of lifestyle) or having small living quarters isn't grounds for a change of custody.
As for the mental abuse, is it documented by a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) or psychologist/psychiatrist? If not, it's strictly a matter of opinion and he said/she said.
Not showing up for mediation could possibly result in a change, depending on the judge, his mood of the day, and whether he believes enough of the custody factors (the subject of this article) apply to Dad's home to warrant a change for the best interest of the children.
Not liking the current parenting time isn't reason to change the schedule, especially if a child is well adjusted. And I wouldn't even mention your child's schedule because it has no bearing whatsoever.
As for Mom, you can't stop her ACTIONS but he can control his REACTIONS. If he'll stop feeding into Mom and go about his merry business (read: silence is golden), eventually she'll grow tired of playing by herself. And YOU stay out of it - period! Even if she says something about you, let it go. Remember, sticks and stones.... IF it has to be addressed, leave it to Dad. After all, it's HIS problem.
I have been unable to find this online...maybe you could help. I have had custody of my son since 2009. My Ex was ordered to pay 100 a week in support. She never has paid anything. She has postponed CS court numerous times over the last 2 years. She recently filed for and was awarded SSD (Not SSI) and has said her CS amount was not initially figured correctly because she had filled for SS way back in 09. She wants a retroactive judgement to modify her arrears, which is substantial. She did not inform the court of her disability until Oct. 2010 and still has not filed any paperwork (to my knowledge) of what exactly her disability is. I was just trying to find out what the State Law says about modifying arrears, I was under the impression that once it's set it can only be modified but the arrears remain as they are.
My husband has a 10 yr old when she ws one they got a divorce.at the time he could not afford a lawyer. So her and her lawyer did a parental plan ..every other weekend and split holiday s and summer visits .phone calls to child.letters.well over 8 yrs het and her new husband has not went by it.they have kept him in court by false police reports.so my husband steps back and grandaddy starts picking and taking child home works for while than the accused him of trying to assault them.on the phone part she had always claimed no min.so my husband goes buy his daughter a phone and min and mother took it and said she couldn't use it. Does he have rights to talk to her .and can he always now if he gets an attorney try for a new parent agreement and get her on not going by the old one.
To the other stepmom you need an attorney and get a parenting plan set to protect the children and dad, most judges are at a 50/50 split now a days. And if you both can do a week at a time and have means to provide them to school it is best. Also even with a parenting plan keep not of anything on going from drama and conflict and concerns you have also. To keep record is most important. This will show your evedince in trying for the child. If Dad calls keep note of the phone call and the time etc just incase you want to modify your plan later. In TN if a parent is mad mouthing the other they can get in trouble and you can have mail, phone calls etc without it being viewed by the other parent, it is best to keep all records. If you have a cell get SMS back up that way all texts go to an email and you can pprint them later. To live in povertity is not okay in any form. This mother has neglect her childrens needs the littlest child just failed the well child check up. The home has black mold and hoarding in it. Cat poo and pee fills the carpetand stairs. The mother has even been abusive to her current b/f while the children are in the same room, these kids jump from a single bedroom to grandmas when they fight. Not healthy. The dad did confront the matter as did I. Our home (dad's home) fits all state laws and has been cleared by the DHS for child care. For you to be licensed it is not a he said she said issue it was witnessed by 5 people, to see a young child shook over a question isn't he said she said it is abuse.At this point I belive it is time for anyone person to step in like the state. Any woman who is keeping the children from their own fater isn't all there mentally, Men have just as many right as moms. It sad that things like this go on.
How is it you keep saying it's the mom's problem or the dad's problem when in fact that it is a family issue? When you get with someone you love their children and provide for them also. When it comes to any factor it's a family matter, it shouldn't be just one person the people that marry need to understand the situation at hand and if you marry then you have taken this on as a family. We are considered a BLENDED FAMILY, not heres your kids heres mine. In court many stepparents get put on stand as of partners. If you was to go to court with your partner and the judge say wheres your other half and they be like its his problem a judge will look at them in disbelife. Just saying in a family matter.
W_woody the best thing to do is go to your local child support divison or your local DHS has information for it. You can give all her information and with her ss# they will locate her or any SSI or SSD she has, she is intitlted to pay you and provide for the child.If you have a C.S. case refile again or contact them with your case number etc. The state will give her and SSD a n otice and if they do not wanna remove it from her monthly check then after 45 - 60 days you are givin a court date in which she can go to jail or loose her license. It's worth a shot the C.S. office mail you papers for free.
Arrears are modified all the time for a variety of reasons and since your ex can show she filed in 2009 for disability, the Courts will likely modify her arrearage.
Sorry, don't care how many pretty words you attach like "blended" the child (or children) belong solely to TWO people: Mom and Dad. In good situations, everyone can blend and work together but those posting here are not in good situations, therefore the Steps (and, yes, I am one) need to back up and let the parents parent. If more steps (especially stepMOTHERS - yes, I said it because it's TRUE) would stop trying to stick their noses in where they don't belong, things could eventually wind up in a good place where the kids aren't left feeling like they have to choose.
You're right, Dads have as many rights as Moms. But Stepmoms nor Stepdad have any LEGAL right.
Secondly, poverty is not a crime. If that were so, half of this country, especially in these economic times, would have care and control of their children. Don't assume because you're in a nice financial situation now it'll always be that way - plenty of people felt the same way in 2007 and today are recipients of welfare programs. So you might want to rethink whether poverty equates to illegal when it comes to having children.
Now, there are times one home is a better enviroment to live in on a more permanent basis. But the child will still be allowed to have time with the "less desirable" parent.
Children deserve BOTH parents. Plain and simple.
Yes, he should file for contempt and insist that his parenting privileges be enforced. However, Mom does have the right to prohibit the cell phone being used at her home as long as she makes some form of telephone communications available.
No one said that I am sitting on a gold mine, and no poverty isn't illegal but when thing turn to a health scare then yes it is neglect. I want nothing more than my husband and the mother of his children to had a good parent relationship for themselves and the children. I am the only one who seems to want that to, I find it so important and Im not just pick at this because he is my husband. I have children by another man in which I have 365 and he has 0. People need to relise that the govemrment help is for people in need not lazy people there is a big differance if you can work then try, these people are living off child support so they don't have to work. Not to metion the fact they lost the oldest boy and a friend found him outside in middle of Winter with only a diaper on. It shows how out TN DCS care's.
" I am the only one who seems to want that..." You're a gerbil in an exercise wheel if neither PARENT seems to want it. Back up and let them deal with their relationship. YOU can't change it.
Kim, You are the most biased person in your advice giving. I feel very sorry for anyone who listens to you.
Yes, I am biased. For both PARENTS. And by the way, I'm a custodial mother, wife to a noncustodial father, child support recipient and my husband pays child support. I've been on all sides of the fence but above all I understand the LAW.
Vivica Manning 3 years ago
This a very informative hub. My daughter in-law is going through a bit of a crisis at the moment and much of it involves the children. This will serve as a great place to start with learning about where to go from here. Thanks!