The Role of the Stepmother in Today's Blended Family
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Thanks to Walt Disney, the stepmother role has been made into a villain; a vile, evil person who only wishes to make the life of her stepchildren miserable.
While there are undoubtedly many stepmothers out there with less than good intentions, the majority are simply seeking to establish themselves in a child's life that is already filled with, in their opinion, one too many authority figures.
Sadly, although a new stepmother only wants to have a relationship with her stepchildren, too often she goes about developing it the wrong way. | Amazon Price: $5.95 List Price: $15.00 |
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One Step At A Time
Frequently, the stepmother will make her first mistake before she even weds the father by allowing herself to be introduced to the child too quickly.
Unfortunately, men often believe that the sooner they introduce the potential stepmother to the child, the better the relationship will be; not to mention that many times Dad is just excited about this new person in his life and wants to share his good fortune with his child.
This is not a good idea. Often, for even many years following a divorce, a child will harbor wishes of his/her parents reuniting. The presence of a "new friend" completely crushes those dreams, causing a child to act out. Not wanting to hurt those s/he loves the most (the parents), the child will take the resentment out on the potential stepparent.
The best course of action in this situation is to first allow the relationship to flourish without the presence of the child. Once Dad and the soon-to-be stepmother know that the relationship is moving toward a more permanent arrangement, Dad should begin introducing the potential stepparent through conversation with the child during their times alone. Using such a method allows the child to become somewhat acquainted with Dad's friend and to become comfortable with who this person is before ever meeting them; therefore making an intial meeting much more comfortable for both child and future stepmom.
Let the Parents Do The Parenting
While a stepparent should be seen as authority figure in their stepchild's life, they should leave the "parenting stuff" to the parents.
For example, when two households combine, creating what is commonly referred to as the blended family, a stepmother frequently feels the need to object the rules she has exercised with her own children (or what she feels should be the rules if she has no children of her own) and the consequences for not adhering ot these rules.
Unfortunately, making the transition from one household to the next can be difficult for a child; and they may accordingly act out. Especially if there has been little disclipe in Mom's or Dad's house previously. If Stepmom is insistent on her rules, even if her intentions mean well, she will, most often, be seen as the "wicked stepmother"; in just a short while.
In this situation, it is best to let Dad handle the introduction of the new rules of the house. And it should also be Dad that manages the consequences of the breaking of rules. In using this method, a child learns that Dad is still in charge of his/her life, not the new gal (so to speak), and that he agrees with the rules of the new household.
In addition, stepmothers are often prone to immediately insert themselves into things such as education and participation in parent-teacher conferences or similar events. Until a well established relationship has been developed between the child and stepparent, doing such is not a good idea. This helps to avoid conflict with Dad's ex-wife (which is the most common result in new relationships) but that conflict can cause mental turmoil for the child; turmoil that will easily allow him/her to villianize the new stepparent. And many of my friends who are teachers have told me that dealing with a room full of exes and their new spouses always makes things uncomfortable. As a result, even teachers, at times, can villianize the stepparents and see them as being there only to spite the exes.
Any issues such as education, health, counseling, etc. should be handle by the parents. While a stepparent is free to provide input to their spouse in private, ultimately the choice should be that of the parents.
Keep Your Opinions To Yourself
As stepmothers, there will be millions of things we greatly dislike about the ex-wife; but we have to keep those opinions to ourselves...especially when it comes to the children.
So frequently, I hear the complaint "S/he is just like his mother!!" Sadly enough, this often said in the presence of the child. While a child may not react or even appear to be listening, they are and that negative tone lets them know that something about him/her is bad. All too often, parents, and especially stepparents, feel its appropriate to spout off about things the ex-wife has done to anyone who will listen; including the stepchild. This is just wrong, wrong, wrong! Every time a child hears something negative about a parent, it makes them feel that they too are bad as they are made up of one-half (1/2) of that parent. Irregardless of the stupid, selfish, crazy things Mom does, keep it to yourself....at least until the child is no where nearby. When stepmom villianizes a child's Mother, the end result will be only deep resentment for stepmom. Why? It doesn't matter how nutty, self-centered, childish, arrogant or whatever Mom is, she is still Mom and her child loves her. | Amazon Price: $12.95 |
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If It Ain't Broke, Don't Fix It
So often when visiting divorce forums, I see future stepmothers pop in with questions about visitations. Right away, the fiance (not even stepmom yet) wants to rework the visitation schedule, go to Court to help her future husband get more time with his kids, or something similar.
This is a crazy way to start off a relationship! Right away, this fiance is alienating the ex-wife and when that alienation turns into arguments between Mom and Dad, guess who is going to get the blame? That's right, the fiance soon to be stepmom.
If visitation in going well, Mom and Dad seem very accommodating to one another, then butt out. Just because your children are on a different visitation schedule doesn't mean that every one elses has to be rearranged. Or, just because Dad is currently getting only every other weekend and half of holidays but one of your friends gets his kids 50 percent of the time doesn't mean that you fiance needs to broach that subject right now.
It's all about baby steps. Settle in to the relationship with your new spouse, work on making the transition for everyone into the blended family a pleasant, successful one, and exhibit to the stepchild that you only have their best interest at heart.
When the dust has settled (and there will most likely be dust) from dating, meeting the child, arguments with the ex spouse, and learning to live under one roof, then its perfectly acceptable for Dad to broach the subject of more or the rearranging of visitation with Mom. A stepmother (nor a stepfather) does not have any role in this discussion.
Following any attempts to make changes, if a couple agrees that it is absolutely necessary to make changes to the current parenting time schedule, then you can proceed with Court....but don't go there first thing; otherwise, you'll sign, seal and deliver your fate as the evil stepmom.
What It's Really All About...
The man that you love and promised to spend the rest of your life with brought another person(s) that they expect for you to love and cherish also.
A perfect relationship is never going to exist; it doesn't exist between parents and their biological children. Yet a wonderful, unique adult/child relationship can be established with time....and patience, understanding, and caring. Just remember that your stepchild will never love you like they love their parents....it's natural. But they can love you as the next best thing....and that's a pretty high honor!More Blended Family Resources
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Thank you! :) And you're right, it's not discussed enough. I'm so happy to hear that your relationship with your 3 stepchildren is great...that's so important! :)
Great hub. I don't have a step-mother but I don't think they are evil.
Tayler!
This is a great hub. I have been the "evil stepmother". Although I went out of the way to befriend my stepson, I was still seen in a less than favorale light. It wasn't because I was doing anything wrong. It wasn't even the child's fault. It was his real mother that was talking to him about me. I had never met this woman in my life, but she had been telling her son some horror stories about me. I like to think that I did all I could to get along with him, and that was all I could do. During my first marriage, I got along well with my stepchildren. They all lived in another state, but they called often. I guess it didn't hurt matters that most of them were older than me:)
what about a visitation schedule that takes the husband out of the home 3 days per week to see his child, and has to stay gone because it is 30 mins away, and also gets his child on the weekend. Monday, wednesday, friday, saturday, and sunday. shoud the wife object to this while she stays at home with THEIR 2 Babies and Her older son??
Kat, why does being 30 minutes away require him to stay there? 30 minutes is very minimal. There is absolutely no good reason for him not to return home with his wife with the child. (If it is a Court Order, then he has to abide by it but it can be modified.)Was it this way before you married? If not, why has it changed?
Interesting article. Although I agree with some of your comments- it's important to realize that the stepmom is one of the adults- and an authority figure in her home- immediately. When a man and woman remarry and form a blended family- they create their own new home. This new home has it's own set of rules and guidelines for the kids to follow. Although the biological parent should take the lead in the discipline and consequences of ignoring their rules, the stepmother (or stepfather) should have an active role, from day one, forming the rules for their home.
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Blended & Step Family coach
Step mom for 25 years. Thought I had a good relationship with the future dil...and with my stepson...not getting invited to the bachelorette dinner party, and mil and mob are...get along well with my ex husbands wife, no awkwardness there...just not understanding why I am being excluded. Future daughter has come to my home and has had lots of fun for over two years. This hurts. I am considering not going to the rehearsal dinner over this...and I am fearing that she will exclude my name from the wedding program...and that will be very awkward for ME. My husband and I are upset. It's awkward for the whole family, really, and none of them seem to like the future bride. Kinda sad. Am I over-reacting by being hurt about not being included in the bachelorette dinner party?
Yes unfortunately Disney has turn ALL STEPMOTHERS INTO EVIL WITCHES that is why I have my husband to do the discipline. My step child is only 4 and sometimes when he comes back from visiting his mother he does say horrible things to me. It's difficult to be a step parent but the child most be taugh that he most respect and value the step mother as a family member as well. If not well there is a problem. Even my step child is difficult I know deep inside he loves me and want to be close to me. Mother is not the one who give birth. Mother is the one who cares for the child taking him to doctors appointments, helping to raise him, teaching him everyday to become a good boyfriend, dad to their future children. How many women out there only give birth to a child and they spend all their money on themselves while you empty your purse to make sure that child gets to a doctor, have his meals 3 times a day. Changing diapers and reading bed stories. A biological mother can't take that away nor disney can't either.
overall, this is a good hub and good info. I would say there is a very high rate (80-85%)of what you call "visitation" that needs to be revisited and revised through court right away even before a new relationship happens. To me 4-6 days a month with your child(ren) is child abuse not a meaningful relationship. Visitation is for criminals, I'm not a criminal. Too often times dad is emotionally and financially crippled from the divorce to a point of needing a new relationship just to survive. Beaten over the head with "child support" and "visitation" a lot of dads make bad mistakes when it comes to new relationships, and I will recommend this hub to all the oppressed mom's and dad's I know.
I am and have been for the last almost 5 years a stepmom to an 11 year old boy. I agree on some of what you are saying however I think every case is very individual. I am a full time stepmother. My stepson only visits his mom every other weekend(when she dosent have other things to do). I also have a 2 year old little boy and can not fathum being away from my child for 12 days and then only seeing them for 2 days. His biological Mother does not even call him in the 12 days between visits! So I really had no choice but to step up and take the full time mom role with school and everything else. My stepson and I have a great relationship and in fact he confides in me for everything.My stepsons mother has just recently started to want to be involved in school functions and stuff and this makes my stepson feel very uncomfortable. How do I handle this situation? My husband has alot of mixed feelings about all of this too...he dosent want to make Biological mom mad(because she has a temper and often takes it out on our son with guilt trips,etc.) but at the same time he dosen't want his son to have awkward feelings about any of it either.I love my stepson as much as my own child but sometimes I feel like all of the parenting gets put on me and she just gets the easy ride and then shows him off as her son when the spotlights on her...but she has nothing to boast about! I feel like even thought the stepmom, credit should be given where credit is due!
1. Your advice is conventional wisdom that often times does not work in reality. Such as assuming that the biological parent is better to and at parenting their own children. The reality is that most people do not have effective parenting skills.
2. As you have stated that stepmother are often seen as evil or framed in a bad role, yet, your column bias against stepparent by illustrating boundaries between the stepparent clearly, but not defining the necessary boundaries for ex-spouses and their responsibilities to also learn to respect and support the new stepmother who is sharing childrearing responsbilities for her.
Kim, I appreciate the frank, clear explanations that you offer to back up your step-by-step instructions to new stepmommies!
Many thanks for this clear & optimistic hub!
Warm regards...C.E. Grant
I agree with Yamajava because exspouses need to know their new boundaries with daddy and the new wife. Women tend to cross these boudnaries because they feel they always will have a place. Its not supposed to be that way. I like your column and will heed the great advice, but there has to be respect on both sides of the fences.
Sanderson, darling, you are quite perceptive to articulate this important point. Much of my work with bio-daddies & their new primary partners (stepmommies) is in assisting them to set clear, inviolable boundaries with his X, if that individual is challenged with poor boundary recognition.
Really, if a gentleman's X is willing & available to practice good boundary recognition, just as the gentleman & his new wife are willing to do, everyone is free to live a new chapter in life that can be peaceful, fun, interesting, & full of opportunities for new growth.
There is an excellent essay from years ago on StepTogether.org by "Mike", called "Male Emotional Adultery" that speaks to the sticky bits of the post-divorce dynamic between a man & his X from a very positive, mature, funny perspective, with great instructions for how & why a fellow might want to ensure good, solid boundaries.
In StepLand, as in the rest of life, the old adage "good fences make good neighbours" applies! *wink*
L-o-v-e-d your comment!
Warmest regards...C.E. Grant
Every case is different. Very few step families have it all together and good parenting plan. I hated my step daughter not listening to me .You say let the dad discipline yet there will be plenty of instances when step mom and step child will together alone and so does that mean there is no discipline for the child during that time? The step child starts understanding that the bio parnt makes all the rules and does the discipline so they realize the step parent has no influence on them and they will not listen to them. I experienced this so much. My step daughter never listened to me even when I was carrying out dad's rules. This made more stress for him too. I think that is a poor rule of thumb to have bio parent do all the disciplining only. This definitely goes along with the fear of being viewed as an evil step mother. I don't fear being an evil stepmother if it means just simple discipline. Why do I care what others think and our job is not get the step child to like us. Most kids have times when they don't like their bio parents. THe problem bio parents have with their kids is wanting to be a friend more than parent and it sounds like you think a step parent should be more like a friend- Wrong! There are rules in the household that need to be followed and last time I checked if the step parent lives there then it's her household too.
I think the best thing you said in this hub is that the children will NEVER love the stepmother the way they love their own mother. My ex's girlfriend (not even technically a stepmother) told my three year old that she is her "new mommy" and that I had a new baby so I wasn't her mommy anymore. WTF?!?
Stepmothers---you are NOT Mommy. Don't force the kids to call you that. It's unfair to the child.
You do not need to be at PARENT confernces. That's for Mom and Dad only.
Your husband may need to have a "relationship" with his ex. Deal with it.
Oh, and stop referring to the child's mother as "biological mom." She is the child's MOM. Pure and simple. You are the STEP-mom. She doesn't need to be called anything but Mommy.
journalistmommy,
It sounds like you are a GREAT parent and its wonderful that you care for your kids. My boyfriend's ex is a horrible parent, negligent, and shouldn't be raising kids. I end up helping him with his 2-year-old son and although I am respectful enough to keep from saying things that are hurtful about his mother, I anticipate that I will be just as much a part of this little boy's life as his mother is. That being said, I don't expect him to call me mom, and I would never try to replace his "real mom," I may be involved in activities typically reserved for "Mom or Dad only. I love the child enough that I realize it would be best for him if his Mom were a better person, but she's not. There are plenty of circumstances like this out there, and I realize mine is certainly not the worst. However, I want to give credit to the women that put aside other's opinions and the difficulties they face with the term "Step-Mother" and choose to be the parents that these kids deserve.
I need help with someone who has really become the wicked stepmother. She has done nothing but hurt my daughter. My daughter has grown up with a disability which also affects her learning; however, the step-mother does not recognize it. S.M. wants to be right about everything. She has also done all she can to hurt the relationship between me and my daughter. She's gone as so far to call me a whore, a bad mother, etc. I'm at a loss.
I do not agree with letting the dad do all the disciplining unless the step kids don't live with you.
My stepkids live with us and I am a full time mother to them. I cook, clean, do laundry, get them off to school. take care of them when they are sick, I do it all. Their real mom only see them every other weekend and their dad work full time. I'm with my stepkids more then their real parents are. They are my kids too. I will discipline them because I'm not letting them walk all over me just like I wouldn't let my blood children walk all over me as well. A stepmom can love her stepkids to and be a 2nd mom to them. So please give us some credit.
Am a Step Mother living with my Step son.I Love him as my own and he has got Used to me as much as to the extent of calling me mum.The Problem in our Family is coming on the Child Visitation. His Dad does not want him to visit his mother's house because the location where she stays is not that okay; Instead he want the mother and the Grand Mother( who has currently asked to visit us to see the child) to be visiting us which is something that am against of. Can someone help me am i being Hard or Selfish not allowing this People to be vising my House instead the Child should be visiting them which is something his Father is refusing.
I'm thinking if you have ever been up at midnight baking because a kid forgot to mention the 3 dozen cookies she needed the next day; if you've ever cleaned up vomit at 3 am, if you have hosted birthday parties, done laundry, been to virtually every sports game, driven to practices, playdates, rehearsals and field trips, worked in the sports snack shack, helped with homework, and gotten up at dawn to hide Easter eggs, then yeah,you oughta be able to tell the kid to clean her room and deliver a consequence here and there.
That's great advice if both parents make an effort to parent the stepchild. However, my stepson has a lazy mother and my husband is afraid to rock the boat. Add to that, the fact that he and I have children and it concerns me that they see my husband's older child getting away with murder when I expect sooo much more from them. How do I demand respect from them when they see my husband's other child allowed to treat me like dirt and not follow my rules? If I didn't have children that need to be raised to be competent adult members of society, I would let these two nitwits twiddle their thumbs and ruin my stepchild for all eternity. Don't you think I would rather be sipping a margarita and getting my nails laquered rather than worrying about the fact that the school has called to report that this child has AGAIN been put out of class for disrespect? I refuse to live in fear of a juvenile delinquent and his poor excuse for a mother. If tht makes me a wicked stepmother, so be it. It never fails to amaze me that his mother wants me to provide his medical coverage, pay for his hair cuts and school supplies, sporting gear, school fees.......but according to her I have NO right to an opinion on how this child should behave or be handled. I'm just the bank, financing her premarital fling......If I were in her situation, I would be ashamed to ask my ex boyfriend's current wife to take care of my child. I would be afraid to demand the financing for his care and then stomp my foot when that person wants his bad attitude dealt with. She, and my husband, should be happy someone is trying to look to this child's future and train him to be a valuable member of society.
my ex wife is nuts
This is a great article and the advice is really good, there is some grey areas though. Especially in regards to discipline, it is a sensitive situation and depends on the age of the child. If the child is young then it is upto the mother/farther to install that respect. However if the child is a tween(11-12 yrs)or teen etc it is more difficult.
I myself am in a very privileged position as i have had the opportunity to see the situation from a number of angles. I have two older siblings in which we share different mothers, i also had stepmother and within the near future will becoming a stepmother myself. As all the adults in my situation focused on the best for all children. I had a good relationship with my stepmother and was always taught to respect that person from both sides.(the best thing is to encourage is to be a friend to that child). When i was younger my Dad took us all out as children and my older siblings used to visit our house. As i got older i visited them also and therefore have a good relationship with both my older sibling's mother and their sibling's. Although i have never been asked to do this by any one, I agree with #journalistmommy in not asking a child to call you mom.But equally for the parents, a child knows who there mommy is and they know from early on.
At the moment i am just a fiance and now know how difficult it is from all ends. But i do need some advice from the mothers on here(actual moms)....I have stayed out of it so far. However received messages over facebook from his daughters mother in concern to me actually wanting to become the child's mom.(I have never said this and don't intend to fill that role) How do i put her mind at ease or deal with that????
Just a personal opinion, if the previous mother has died and you have the honorable responsibility of taking care of that child full-time(with all its great sacrifices). Then yourself and your husband would then need to come up with some agreement on how to deal with discipline. Every parent feels hurt when they discipline there child, which is why it is so hard to have someone else do it. The best advice would be to treat every child as if they were your own in respect to the parents.(this subject is also debated alot for babysitters/nannys that have a child for a large majority of the week)
This is wonderful! Thank you for taking the time to put this in writting. I found this to be very helpful. I look forward to reading more of your hubs.
The answer: Dont do it. Being a step parent NEVER works no matter how hard you try. The Bio (ex) will destroy everything.
Laura, I definitely understand how you feel but I've come to realize they can only ruin it IF you let them.
Although I agree with most of the points you have made, I disagree with stepchild's father being the only one to discipline or enforce house rules. When you marry someone, are living together and have formed a new family and a new home; rules and discipline become a mutual decision. By a stepmother only allowing bio-dad to discipline it sets the precedent that she does not have authority or control in what is her house as well (although if dad is around he should do the primary disciplining). This is especially true if stepmother and father have biological children of their own. By forcing stepmother out of the picture (not allowing her to enforce your mutual house rules) it sets the tone that there is division in this new family. The stepchild will pick up on this, and believe himself to be different then his siblings and vice versa. Overall, of course you want to leave majority of discipline and rule setting to the biodad, but by no means should that mean you have no authority in what is your house and your family as well.
I have recently experienced the backlash of an insufficient father, mother, and two sets of grandparents and now the wrecking ball is at my door wrecking my whole household. Noone has disciplined my stepson from day one and his father has left it all up to me. Now I don't have to discipline my own children as much bc they have learned, but my stepson still needs to be told to shower, brush his teeth, ect. The great divide is coming and sad that a child has caused this division..
dowwnout, your stepson didn't cause it, his father unwilling to care and discipline his son caused it. Make sure you lay blame where it truly lies. It's easy to put it on the child but when you really think it through, it's seldom truly their fault.
travelgirl 3 years ago
Great Hub Kim! This is a topic not talked about enough. I am a stepmother to 3 girls, and I have learned as you mentioned, to let the Dad do the disciplining. This has worked out great for us, and I have developed a great relationship with my stepkids.